10.  Bocabola (I am Cola)- Boredoms

Lyric sample: “EVERYBODY DRINK YOU UP IN THE COLA!”  The other parts are completely incoherent.

9. Cheeseburger in Paradise- Jimmy Buffett

So, this song is about a guy who tries to go vegetarian, but simply can’t.  Even his beloved carrot juice can’t take him away from the “American creation on which [he] feeds”- a cheeseburger.  Honestly, I’m a little worried about Mr. Buffett; he’s sung about drinking margaritas all day and how much he loves cheeseburgers, but he’s never sung about diet or exercise.  To be fair, he does mention how much he likes onions and tomatoes on his burgers.  Sadly, this proves that he really doesn’t know the meaning of the word “carnivorous.”

8. Teengenerate- The Dictators

This song devotes about fifteen lines to describing the titular “teengenerate.”  What’s interesting about this is how most of the lines are about the food the guy eats.  When we first see him, he has a sandwich in his hand.  Also, he eats eggs all day long.  Which is kind of weird.  I really hope he changes it up a bit; scrambled eggs for breakfast, hard-boiled eggs for lunch, etc.

7. Vegetables- The Beach Boys

This song deserves its spot here for two reasons.  First of all, it’s about how much Brian Wilson loves eating his vegetables.  Secondly, the percussion track is Paul McCartney chewing vegetables.  Greatest use of bizarre instrumentation since the Japanoise band the Gerogerigegege recorded a track which consisted of their frontman pooping several times.

6. I Just Wanna Have Something to Do- Ramones

“Hanging out on second avenue/Eating chicken vindaloo.”  Oh, Joey Ramone.  What happened to your pizza loyalty?

4. All You Can Eat- The Fat Boys

Most likely the greatest rap group ever.  Instead of being ganstas (like NWA), weirdos (like De La Soul), Philip K. Dick fans (Company Flow), or white people (Beastie Boys), they were fat.  That was their claim to fame.  This song shows how they got there.  They want it all- mac and cheese, baloney, salami, ham, chicken, toast.  The whole shebang.  Except for lettuce.

3. Too Much Paranoias- Devo

“I THINK I GOT A BIG MAC ATTACK!!!!!!!!”

2.  Beautiful Food- Edan

I’m guessing this is Edan’s tribute to the Fat Boys, based on the fact that this is basically just the Boston rapper listing foods.  But Edan is, of course, an indie rapper, and he’s not listing no regular foods. Nah, it’s all about the granola fruit bars and the zucchini ziti.

3. Bar-B-Q Pope- The Butthole Surfers

“They shot the pope, and I feel good.”  Now that is some virulent anti-Catholicism.

1.  Food Play- Lady Sovereign

Three lyric samples:

“You could cover me in porridge… oh, porridge.”

I may never be able to hear the story of Goldilocks again.

“You don’t need to eat that burger sauce, just rub it around your lips”

No manners whatsoever!

“English breakfast, a sexy english breakfast.”

Wait.  Did she just call English food “sexy?”  English food?

9. Consider it a tribute to High Fidelity, except top ten instead of top five.

8. This is all an oblique homage to McSweeney’s.

7. The first couple of lists are pretty funny.

6. Who reads articles anymore in the internet age?

5. Forget what De La Soul said- ten is a magic number.

4. This is all an oblique homage to the metric system.

3. Despite the fact that NBC’s late night fiascos have not yet catastrophically affected David Letterman, it’s clear that the world may need a steady provider of top ten lists in the years to come.

2. This is a tribute to my favorite member of the Dictators- Top 10.

1.  Shoot.  It’s going to be really difficult to come up with more of these.

But shit has happened in 2010.  Beach House’s newest album came out (even though we all heard it in, like, November.  And I semi-bashed it a few weeks ago, but I think I forgot to mention just how sweet the opening four songs are.  The rest of my review still holds up.

Surfer Blood have bad timing.  Surfing in January?  Really?  Really?

Charlotte Gainsbourg has a new LP out.  Not as great as Serge, but quite delectable.  Review coming soon.

But there is one part of 2010 that I really and truly enjoy, and that is Jay Electronica’s song “Suckas.”  Subject material is fairly typical- it’s about wack MCs.  But something about the track- Jay’s jubilant flow, the Willy Wonka samples, the ecstatic J Dilla beat- makes it the first hip-hop anthem of 2010.  It’s from his mixtape “Victory.”  The title is quite apt.

Part of me thinks the biggest problem on this album is timing.  It’s January.  It’s freezing.  It’s not time for surfing.  And make no mistake- this band is all about surfing.  Fifth track “Neighbor Riffs” is their attempt to write a surf instrumental as indelible as Miserlou.  Does it succeed?  Well, let’s just say that the Quentin Tarantinos of the future won’t be using this song for their soundtracks.  However, I’m quite certain that the teen movies of the near future will be able to use Swim.  After all, it’s quite catchy.

One final thought- the cover is, like, incredibly garish.  Seriously, what were they thinking?  The cheesy shark picture would be bad by itself, but the checkerboard pattern just takes it to new levels.  Not to mention the font that the band name is written in.

Another final thought- Lyrics- “I don’t want to spin my wheels/ I don’t got no wheels to spin”- are not Surfer Blood’s strength.  ”Swim… to reach the end” is pretty stupid too now that I think about it.

It’s their best yet; nice and washed out.  Avoids the hippie séance vibe of Devotion.  Also, not as strange as the photo of buried treasure (?) they used for their debut.  Still, despite its not failing like their first two album covers did, the cover of Teen Dream still doesn’t add on to the music, like their cover for the “Used To Be” single did.  The cover of that single, a slightly washed out photo of a motel with a pool, seemed to get to the depressive heart of their music more than anything they’d ever done before.  Reminiscent of Hockey’s “A Bigger Splash.” Much more truthful than the white and tan lines that grace the cover of Teen Dream.

That’s really all I have to say about Teen Dream.  It’s better than their first two by far, but it doesn’t reach the heights I thought they could have with the Used To Be single.  They’ve redone that single’s titular a-side, adding actual rhythm and flourishes of color.  This is a severe misstep.  What was transcendent about Used To Be was the fact that it was so minimal and monochromatic, more than anything else they’d done prior to this.  Even earlier tracks like Saltwater had more rhythm than the absurdly stripped down throb that powered Used  To Be.  It felt hollow in a way that reflected the disaffected lyrics; it was a dream pop song stripped of all artifice- Suicide covering Cocteau Twins, perhaps.  With that song, Beach House  achieved a purity of sound and vision that they have sadly muddled on Teen Dream.  Lyrically, they’re the same as ever; sonically, they’ve added more and more and more.  Which is a shame, because the songs are fantastic- Norway and Walk In The Park rank among their very best.  With a less lush production, these songs might cut like a knife.  Instead, they pleasantly drift along.

HAHAHAHAH SOOOOOO OUGHTIES!

The eighties have an unfair reputation when it comes to music.  Yes, there was a tremendous amount of awful music released during the eighties, from histrionic synthpop to ridiculous hair metal, but there’s one thing to have to remember about this supposedly awful decade- it wasn’t too bad in a relative sense.  There was just as much crap released during the sixties, seventies, and nineties.  Every decade has an exorbitant amount of horrendous songs released during it, just like every decade has some truly transcendent music and a load of mediocre tracks.

Once I deduced that universal truth, I started thinking about the 2000s, or the “oughties,” or even the “endtimes.”  In twenty, ten, or even five years, there’s no doubt that a lot of this music that we listened to and enjoyed in the 2000s will sound mighty stupid.  You’ll know when it hits you; one day, you’ll be sitting around, listening to the Oldies station on last.fm, when suddenly a familiar track starts playing.  Let’s say it’s “So Bored,” by Wavves. And as you hear that song begin, you’ll be transported back to the time of your youth.  For a glorious second, you’ll be gripped with nostalgia.  And then Nathan Williams will start singing.

You’ll scratch your head, maybe cover your ears.  And when he reaches the chorus and starts “crooning” that heeeeeeeeeeeeeeee’sssss ssoooooooooooooo booooooooooooooooooreddd, well, then you’ll probably start laughing, because it is hilariously bad.  And when you go to your high school reunion, you can walk over to your friends, ask them if they remember Wavves, and have the satisfaction of making every single one of them crack up.

This column does not have the express purpose of bashing Wavves; So Bored is just one of those tracks that’s tied to a specific period in the oughties (the late 2000s lo-fi period) that will seem absolutely hilarious in a few years. There are many of those tracks, and thus I’ve compiled a playlist- a time capsule mixtape featuring the 10 tracks that simply must be the soundtrack to the indie teen movie set in the 2000s.  It’s organized semi-chronologically.  Enjoy.

1. Fuck the Pain Away- Peaches

Is this the legacy of electroclash?  A 2 Live Crew track fronted by a Canadian woman?  To her credit, her lyrics are nastier than anything from “Me So Horny.”  And come to think of it, does electroclash really deserve an enduring masterwork?

2. Highly Evolved- The Vines

Listening to this 90 second track again, it’s quite clear that the only reason the Vines were part of the garage rock revival was because they were a “the” band, rather than a “bizkit” band.  Also, Craig Nicholls sung rather than rapped.   But his singing is close to speaking, so rapping isn’t too far off.  And “Vine Bizkit” sounds plausible.

3. New Disco- Radio 4

Yeah, you heard the man.  It’s a new disco.  It’s a dance-punk disco.  It’s got politics and feedback.  Man, dance-punk is gonna start a revolution.  By 2007, every band will be dance-punk, and Radio 4 will have hijacked the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  Yeah!  It will definitely happen.

4. House of Jealous Lovers- The Rapture

This is a controversial choice, because many people still view it as a great song.  And it is, in a very limited way.  It’s infinitely better than the dance-punk track I put on right before this, but it’s not really that different.  The Rapture hit on something with this track- a certain je ne sais quoi that makes this song almost transcend dance-punk.  That said, do you really think that future generations- or even you in a few years- will be able to take this seriously?

5.  Crank Heart- Xiu Xiu

I believe that in the future, people will study contemporary music criticism to figure out why people took Xiu Xiu so seriously (no, they were not a parody of emo bands.).  The key to figuring out this great mystery lies in Pitchfork Media’s review of Fabulous Muscles, where the reviewer describes Crank Heart as the soundtrack to “some unspeakably sad video game,” which might be the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.

6. The Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth- Clap Your Hands Say Yeah

I’m 99% certain that when you saw this entry, you hadn’t thought of Clap Your Hands Say Yeah in three years.  And right now, you’re hunting through your iTunes library for their first album, which is not as good as you remember it.  Trust me.  What a voice that guy had.  What a voice indeed.

7. Don’t Save Us From The Flames- M83

“Out of the flames/a piece of brain in my hair/the wheels are melting/a ghost is screaming your name/Tina, Tina.” Sure, shoegazers never need to have great lyrics, but this is just creepy.

8. Alice Practice- Crystal Castles

In the year 2024, some future hipsters will have an “oughties dance party,” where they play all the DFA bands and dance ironically.  At one point, the DJ will decide to play this song, only knowing it as a popular electro-dance track from the late 2000s.  As soon as it starts, everyone will stop dancing and wonder why the DJ put his collection of 80s hardcore through a bitcrusher.

9. I Felt Stupid- The Drums

And eventually, so will we.   This is not to say it won’t be enjoyable in the future, but rather to assert that it will not get you any indie cred whatsoever.

10. Deadbeat Summer- Neon Indian

A few weeks ago, I was driving around with some friends.  We had been listening to Sigur Ros when one of my friends put on this track.  As soon as the beat kicked in, we all started bobbing our heads in an ironic fashion.  I noted the similarities to Wayne’s World, which makes this track the oughties’ Bohemian Rhapsody.  It’s almost as cheesy.

2009, on the other hand, has been met with much praise; Animal Collective’s Merriweather Post Pavillion, Dirty Projectors’ Bitte Orca, and Grizzly Bear’s Veckatimest have all been called masterpieces, something that eluded most albums released in 2008.  But despite all this praise, there were several records that didn’t get the love they deserved.  Four albums, to be exact; Mos Def’s The Ecstatic, Jim O’Rourke’s The Visitor, Annie’s Don’t Stop, and Dan Deacon’s Bromst.

MOS DEF- THE ECSTATIC Even in “underground” hip-hop, large personalities dominate.  Perhaps even more in underground hip-hop- Kanye never declared himself a supervillain as MF DOOM did.  And that might be the reason that Mos Def’s The Ecstatic didn’t get the attention it deserved.  Sure, Raekwon’s comeback Only Built 4 Cuban Linx Pt. 2 was a better album, but The Ecstatic was more of a comeback.  It brings Mos back to the largely mellow grooves of 1999′s Black On Both Sides and provides just as pleasurable a listening experience; if Mos doesn’t blow you away as much as he did a decade ago, then that’s a shame and probably the primary reason this album didn’t get as many positive accolades as it deserved.

JIM O’ROURKE- THE VISITOR Jim O’Rourke shot himself in the foot with this one; it’s a single 40-minute track, but not a full out drone piece like 1997′s Happy Days.  It’s a brilliant piece of orchestral pop, but it’s still a 40-minute long instrumental.  With this paradox, Jim alienates both the people who love him exclusively because of his rock and roll records like Insignificance and the people who love him exclusively because of his free jazz background.  Both of these groups could find something to love in The Visitor; it’s a tremendously interesting and beautiful piece that never resorts to clichés of instrumental pop music.  Most importantly, there are no prog moments.

ANNIE- DON’T STOP Most of the criticism from this album resulted from the fact that the two great singles- “I Know UR Girlfriend Hates Me” and “Anthonio”-  Annie released before this LP were ultimately not included on the album.  This is indeed a shame- both songs are fantastic, and their inclusion would definitely have aided the album.  Still, what’s invigorating about Don’t Stop is how it constitutes a significant artistic step for Annie; she’s making straight up dance pop now, not the dance pop she was making on her first album Anniemal.  As great as that album was, continuing in the same vein would have been a dead end (taking the beat from one hipper-than-thou disco epic, as she did on “Come Together,” was enough.).  Don’t Stop is more of a regular dance-pop album; what makes it special is how catchy it is. Two reservations; there’s nothing as transcendent as Anniemal’s “Heartbeat,” and The Breakfast Song” is awful.

DAN DEACON- BROMST I classify this as underrated because it hasn’t been praised to high heaven.  Dan Deacon has never had any difficulty with engendering euphoria in his listeners, but he’s never succeeded as much as he has here.  When he gets philosophical, he makes Snookered,  the best song of his career.  When he gets artsy, he makes Wet Wings, one of the most interesting songs he’s ever recorded.  The first four songs- Build Voice, Red F, Paddling Ghost, and Snookered- are the greatest opening salvo in electronic music since Massive Attack put Angel, Rising Son, Inertia Creeps, and Teardrop at the start of their masterpiece Mezzanine.  Best of all, Bromst isn’t even front-loaded.  Masterful.

It’s easy to see why people like Sigur Ròs; it’s absurdly beautiful music that’s also essentially meaningless.  The lyrics are sung in a nonsense language made up by Birgisson, meaning uptight parents don’t have to worry about the band spreading any messages dealing with Satan, vegetarianism, or gay lifestyles, no one has to worry about getting the words wrong (it’s all phonetic anyway), and no one has to bother looking for any artistic message whatsoever.  The good thing is that this it’s pure pleasure music, and thus pretty listenable.  Boy 1904 is listenable too.  But what makes it so much worse than Sigur Ròs is that it’s pretty much the same thing they always do; anthemic melody stretched out and slowed down, but never to mind-boggling lengths.  The Ramones had more complexity than this.  There are no layers to this music; repeated listening doesn’t reveal anything at all.  

What strikes me most about it is how it’s even more meaningless than the usual stuff from the group; it features a recording of the last castrato singer, which doesn’t add anything to the song (Jónsi sounds like his balls were cut off anyway), the title doesn’t even pretend to be something in Icelandic, and worst of all, it’s treated to sound like some old record.  The song wants the air of something antiquated and epic, but it just rings false.  The album, Riceboy Sleeps should be more of the same.

Right after that song finished, my iTunes library switched to “If I Ever Feel Better” by Phoenix, which has pretty fluffy lyrics and might be just as meaningless.  But it’s infinitely better than Boy 1904, simply because it has a beat.  

AIR has a new song out too, from their upcoming album Love 2; like Boy 1904, it follows the same pattern, but it’s a hell of a lot more successful, simply because AIR is more fun to listen to than Sigur Ròs.  Do The Love even indulges in B-movie synths and the cheesiest vocoding effects these Frenchmen have used yet.  It’s an immensely enjoyable and lightweight track.